Yvan and I had a conversation over the weekend about my struggles with binge eating. I’ve had a few good weeks where I’ve felt motivated and strong and been working with the tools I have to avoid bingeing, and deal appropriately with stress.
At one point, he asked me to start telling him if I feel like I need to binge. He told me that I’m usually most likely to tell him after I binged and by that point, there’s nothing that either of us can do.
He reminded me that he’s there for me to lean on when I need him – and if I feel like I want to binge, I can call him or reach out to him and he’s always there to help me figure out what’s REALLY going on.
What’s crazy is that of course I know he’s there rationally, but when I want to binge, I’m in such an emotional, irrational state that I feel week and vulnerable and might forget to use the tools that can get me out of that. Or maybe I’m embarassed that I’m feeling so weak and I don’t want to expose that vulnerability so I give into the compulsion.
But I’ve learned that I NEVER feel better after I binge. Maybe I feel slightly numb, but whatever was bothering me never goes away. It’s just combined with the feelings of fullness, exhaustion and guilt and shame for bingeing. I’ve learned over and over again that when I don’t ask for help, I fail. Not because I can’t do it on my own, but because I shouldn’t have to do it alone.